As some of you know, we took in a family of 4 who lost everything. Because of that, I may actually have something of value to add if I can get it across clearly.
First off, let me say that not all the problems and issues affect only the hosts. The guests often have their own variety of stresses.
Posted by thywar on Yesterday at 11:23am
Of course they'll bring their pets.. PETS, It's whats for dinner.. lol.
Mud, I agree with what you say but since they're all older than me by 8 + years and their health isn't the greatest I'll do what I can for as long as I can and try to make it. They won't last long. One brother has already had a stroke and heart attack (he's now the oldest) and the other brother has COPD, still smokes and once he's out of smokes then the only sane thing to do is 1) not let him near any firearms and 2) shoot him.. Just kidding! Aren't I? I've actually bought a couple of big cans of tobacco and several packs of rolling papers to ease him into quitting.
But eating the same food over and over, not enough beds for everyone, if there is no AC then it will get real ugly (and stinky) real fast. But under these circumstances and since they will be at my house they get to play by my rules or they can stay where they are. They know this, they understand this and while it may be hard to let 'little brother' step in THEY will have to adjust.
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survivalbunker.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=bugging&action=post&thread=2237&page=2#ixzz25YV0yyKMI read this 5 times and found no post I made on it...both pages and for some reason its not showing my post on my computer or android.
Anyway back to the OP of personal space and what we have learned and are learning.
I guess just hearing someone in the house keeps me from falling asleep.
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survivalbunker.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=bugging&action=post&thread=2237&page=2#ixzz25YVv7bzzAs a light sleeper this was a huge issue. More than once I met them at the door, pistol in hand when they went out to smoke in the middle of the night. You will be surprised at just what you can put up with or get used to.
Imagine bugging in with your extended family and whomever else you’ve ended up sharing quarters with in a disaster. Chances are, you’ll be sharing much tighter quarters than you are used to.
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survivalbunker.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=bugging&action=display&thread=2237&page=1#ixzz25YYu8iTaThis is the situation we find ourselves in now. we have 4 kids, 4 adults and 5 pets. The first time they stayed with us we set few rules. This was a mistake. While we were buying for everyone and paying all the utilities they did very little to contribute. The did not clean up after themselves well at all and are very wasteful. Even though they used everything we bought, when they bought food they horded it in the converted garage.
The first time they stayed with us they offered very little and were huge consumers.
But under these circumstances and since they will be at my house they get to play by my rules or they can stay where they are.
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survivalbunker.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=bugging&action=post&thread=2237&page=2#ixzz25YaMCiItThis is how we fixed it the second time around. Clear rules, expectations and boundaries.
I am pleased to say things are running smoother on the home front now and they have a set amount of time to get set up and move out. It is a firm deadline and not negotiable.
Good point about the habits and quirks. The little personal ticks that don't bother you much in normal social settings could really begin to push buttons in an extended close quarters situation. Situations where you're forced to be in tight spaces for long periods of time without the opportunity to escape for a re-coop or vent without the person being there.
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survivalbunker.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=bugging&action=display&thread=2237&page=1#ixzz25Yb3e8owThe biggest problem here is my son who is the only male child in the house now. To address this we gave him ownership of his room. His space and should he decide to be there alone or with his sister it is his choice as long as it is not abused(simply being mean)
As for my wife and I, she walks daily and I either veg out on the computer or hit the woods for some personal time. Our guests too have their own way of getting their own time and it is working much better this time around.
If we end up someplace else then it is their place and their rules. If I have some kind of time frame as to when it might end I would be OK. You can get through anything as long as you have some idea of when it might be over. We went on a sail boat for 9 days with 8 other people. Tiny boat, tripping on people everytime you turned around, people fighting. Too many people wanting to boss around the whole group. Kinda like a survival situation At the end of the trip several of our friends just thought I was wonderful company, easy going, never complaining. They said they always want me in their group. Little did they knowI was just counting down the days and I told DH I'm never doing that again! SO a lot of what you feel is in how you percieve the situation and you have some control over that.
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survivalbunker.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=bugging&action=display&thread=2237&page=1#ixzz25YcL5v4CThis is the flip side I mentioned above. While on vacation at my in-law's place, I felt like a fish out of water for the first few days. I was carried around to meet people I had almost nothing in common with....or so I thought. My brother in law told me he was ok with what I do but not to expect everyone to be 'in' to my hobbies. This was evident and eventually I just stopped worrying and did what I wanted, talked about what I wanted without fear or worry of offending someone. It worked. Trying to be something or someone you are not, even for a short time is very stressful. You tend to try to be what you think they expect without even thinking about it. Once you clear your head and find your center, life gets much easier. CGU and I still need to have that conversation about anxiety and how to deal with it effectively.
The boat analogy is very accurate in the sense that the first time around and even now on occasion, we find ourselves running into each other or having to make way in tighter areas of the house. The sensation of losing your freedom of movement is hard to get your head around. Think claustrophobia in an open field. You know there is room to move but you cannot seem to find it. This too fades with time but does not go away completely.
Along with that line of thinking I just don't like having people in the way. Even when we have people over and someone wants to be helpful I just usually tell them to go sit down because I don't want them going through the kitchen. Putting stuff in the wrong place and in general messing up my plan.
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survivalbunker.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=bugging&action=display&thread=2237&page=1#ixzz25YfuLsvQDink this is a good example as well. We have an organized food storage system which we regularly rotate our stocks, keep things in the same place, facing labels out, so when we need something we 'know' where it is. Can openers, glasses, bowels, tea bags etc. have their own place. After taking in some family years ago we made sure this time around things are done our way.....it is after all our home. They have knowledge of where emergency supplies are supposed to be but more often than not I find them in the wrong locations. This is problematic in several ways which I will let others expand upon. Point to this particular past event is she moved in and while we were at work she rearranged our entire kitchen to suit her. This lasted only the few hours it took for us to restore it with a firm warning and reminder of just who owned the place.
Starting with a duty roster, one can only imagine the resultant squabbling over tasks not repeated often enough to improve one's skill level, tasks repeated so often they're boring/onerous, tasks not completed to someone's satisfaction, nitpicking on the "right" (only?) way to complete a task, frustration over having to suddenly acquire a whole new skill set, frustration/clumsiness over being watched/observed while attempting to complete a task (even if it's easy and been done many times successfully), etc. concerns some of the possible problems with tasks.
Overcrowding or close quarters would magnify minor annoyances, turning them into acts of war. Lack of intimacy due to privacy concerns removes one mental refuge (or regulates it beyond all spontaneity).
A history of being in charge can lead to thinking that one's own ways are the only right ways to accomplish tasks, one's own priorities are the only valid ones, and one's own concerns are the only concerns that need to be considered.
All of this makes me wonder what , after the initial event, would ultimately be responsible for more deaths: disease, starvation, predation (human), or infighting?
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survivalbunker.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=bugging&action=display&thread=2237&page=1#ixzz25YhTMaT1These are fantastic observations and I can personally attest that they are true. Sharing basic chores this time around has helped us all cope a bit better with the close quarters living. The problem with our current status is no dedicated chore list. We all chip in and help but sometimes the floor goes unswept or the dishes will sit longer than I like. Not ideal but getting better.
My friend has vast experience on home maintenance which is an area I lack. I either ask advice or yield the duty to him and assist so I can pick up something new. My wife is a nurse, his an optical assistant, so we have basic health needs(minus dental) covered. In spite of that, we have found that when one person gets sick, we all will eventually. This issue required us to rethink and adapt a new medical strategy.
All parents are tasked with insuring kids remain disciplined with my wife and I having the final say over any issues that involve our established routines.
Intimacy issues are not as difficult unless the couples are just uncomfortable with others in the house. Both couples find time to share and we work together to insure this. Without the ability to have your time with your spouse is very disconcerting to say the least. Making a way to insure it takes care of much of the day to day stresses that accumulate.
As the father and husband, I take the role of being 'in charge' of most of the day to day operations. I delegate responsibilities to all members in the house. Unfortunately, that comes with a price. Every petty issue that comes up between the kids or adults is brought to me. I end up snapping at my wife, apologizing then encouraging her to assert her natural authority as co-owner of our home and half of the entity we became when we got married, and deal with things on her own. This can only happen if you trust your partner. I love my wife but honestly do question her judgement on some things as she tends to do without thinking it through. I am more methodical in my approach.
I've always thought women don't sleep as well as men, even under normal conditions. I believe the wheels in their heads are spinning much more, keeping them awake and fighting off that rem level sleep. Men... once the work’s done, food’s eaten and sex had if humanly possible….. nothing but crickets and tumbleweed up stairs.
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survivalbunker.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=bugging&action=display&thread=2237&page=2#ixzz25Ylr1BosWhile this is likely true in a perfect world, I suffer from generalized anxiety and sleep light. My wife on the other hand can sleep through just about anything. Sleep deprivation is a fact of life for me and other than the above mentioned issues, it is something that can be dealt with relatively easily. I sleep on average 4 hours or less 5 days a week and 8-10 hours on weekends. The difference is being able to rest. During Hell week, BUDS students are subjected to sleep deprivation but given many chances to rest if not get REM sleep. Today these are called power naps. The key is recognizing the opportunity to rest and relax and using it. At work, for example, I eat a decent breakfast but skip lunch because at that point it is only 2 1/2 hours til time to leave most days and I know I can go all out for 12 hrs of work before I feel the need to eat. That gives me a cushion and the ability to take my lunch and use it to relax and replenish my mental state. I find it remarkably effective.
If anyone wants, I can expand at length on the topics I commented on. When I have time to give this more consideration I may post more if you are interested.
EDIT: just a reminder that for my guests, TS has HTF and this is an exercise in progress for all of us. These are my comments and observations as well as some simple solutions.